how?

How do you not you see it?

 

I don’t understand.

Can’t you see my soul screaming out?

Can’t you sense the loneliness eating me alive?

Can’t you hear me crying myself to sleep; see my bed shake with my sobs?

You were right there.

 

Why are you blind to my insomnia at night and the weak effort to find the motivation to stay away in the day?

 

Don’t you see me push around my food, but not really eat? My stomach wants the food, but my heart doesn’t.

Who told my heart it was allowed to make such a decision?

 

How can you not see that my irritability is just a cry for help?

I promise I’m not this mean…

 

Do you really think that my incessant lack of concentration is normal?

 

I used to go out; I used to enjoy my friends. How is it that you brush off me crawling into myself as being more introverted than not normal?

Is avoiding life really just what you see introverted to be?

 

 

I desire to be seen, for someone to notice – for you to notice. How is it so invisible to you? I don’t understand.

Or does it scare you?

 

My secrets are screaming to be seen. They are wrecking my body in an effort to be noticed. I can’t do this alone anymore. I need you to see all the breadcrumbs I am leaving.

 

Its not like I haven’t wanted to scream out the words that would break me from this prison. But just thinking them chokes me, bringing forth the tears that are constantly being fought off.

 

I’ve pictured it in my head thousands of times – blurting out the words that haunt me. The sentence that would tear town the walls that keep me locked up but also hold me together. Screaming out the secret that I have so deeply hidden. Hitting the floor from the agony of hearing it aloud. Would freedom follow? Or would it be torturous for my secret to no longer be contained?

 

 

I wish life worked like a yoyo – that if I pushed you back when you got too close you immediately rushed back to wonder what got into me. That you never gave up on me until all my energy drained. That when played right, you came back to me with the same determination that I pushed you away with. That you defied all odds to be by my side.

 

But if life were a yoyo I’d have to say it. I’d have to pass on my burden. I’d have to face the reality that is slowly destroying me.

 

I’d have to face the possibility of you staying away – staying at the bottom, swinging as far away as possibly.

 

Ignoring the words that I entrusted you with. Sneering at my vulnerability and lack of strength – at my weakness.

 

Eventually forgetting the secret that tore me apart:

 

I’m depressed.”

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Nikki says:

    I also suffer from depression, and I relate to this on a deep, personal level.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Natalie says:

    Beautiful piece. Thanks so much for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

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