I wish you could understand.
I wish I had the words to explain to you what its like.
I wish it was a burden only I had to bear.
I wish I could tell you how it’s not just butterflies.
Its not just a jittery feeling that eventually goes away.
It’s not just shying away from the unknown.
It’s a rush to the bathroom at 3:20 am to dry heave… again.
It’s self-doubt and self-destruction over a mistake no one else even noticed.
It rips apart confidence and trickles doubt into every “certain” thing.
It’s fear and dread over small interactions.
It ruins trust and love and builds walls.
It’s a fear that cripples.
It mutes me when I want to talk,
To relieve my secret to someone I’m supposed to trust.
But I can’t.
I want to share how it haunts me at night,
It thrives on the silent moments of the dark
And the peace that was there before is long gone.
Not it in itself but when you’ve suffered as long as I have
The line between “it” and “me” is blurred and…
We are one.
My heart hurts with every self-inflicted, wounding thought.
My bones quiver with the thought of going through the same day again.
My head spins from all the questions that never cease.
My relationships ache.
I promise I’m not trying to hurt you –
But when I hurt myself sometimes you get pulled in.
All I want is to protect you.
That’s why I push you away.
Because when you get too close you can fall into the pit I dwell in
Where the pain is too much to bear
I can’t handle it alone but hurting one person is always better than hurting two.
Or however many hands that have reached down to help.
I can’t take their hands.
They don’t know what they reach into
They can’t see all the way down
But when loneliness sets in once again…
There is one hand I hold on to
And I hold on to it for my life.
My life depends on the strength of His loving hand
As He bends down from the heavens to the bottom depth of the earth
A place His righteousness does not belong.
Yet I know He will not let go until He has retrieved me…
His dedication is more than I have experienced before.
He won’t let me down – He won’t drop me.
…but I feel like I’m slipping.
He promised He wouldn’t give up
But I am weak…
I am plagued…
I am dirty
I am not worth the effort of saving
Yet for some reason
Though I kick and scream
And declare that He could never understand,
He still holds me.
He still saves me.
And though I will never have the words to explain how it is
He still understands me.