The Hidden

Written on a bus in Honduras, 10/26/16:

I wear my anxiety on my sleeve…  But only to hide the depression.

Anyone could ask and I could/would talk about anxiety for hours.

I could tell you anything:

The times it’s worst.

What pills I take.

How I cope.

How I get others to understand.

But I only talk about the surface.

If you go beneath the surface you find

Comparison.

Depression.

Hardness.

The stuff that is hard to talk about and no one wants to hear about.

The stuff I don’t talk about.

The stuff no one knows about me.

I guess different people know different pieces, and I’m sure if they got together and sorted through the distorted truth, lies, and crushing confessions, they’d put together a rough mosaic of who I unfortunately am.

But unless you are God, you won’t get anything past the surface from me – not face to face at least.

And sometimes … a lot of times … I try to keep it from even Him.

I harden my heart.

I shut down.

I tell Him that He made me wrong and doesn’t deserve knowing His “mistake.”

I push.

I scream.

I wiggle away from His ever-loving Presence.

I fight Him by pushing away the people He put in my life.

If they can’t touch or impact me, then how much can He do?

But reality is, a whole heck of a lot.

And the tears I hold back from the agony of pushing away my True Love are bound to come bursting forth eventually.

Eventually is coming.

 

One can only release a few drops of built up waterfall for so long.

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Very touching. Expressing your feelings in words is therapeutic. I hope you will be able to shed some pain and anxiety in these blog posts.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Idle Muser says:

    It’s ok to be broken. It’s ok to be imperfect. It’s ok to be miserable. Everything is ok as this life was meant to be ok.
    But yes keeping pain within isn’t ok. If we don’t want to to share our misery with a human, share it with one’s diary, dog, cat, pillow, or anything. But just let it out. It will help.😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. KirstenR says:

    God cannot be run from. He will always be there. His heart breaks for your broken heart. There are so many people who understand exactly what you are going through. God is the ultimate healer. He can do more than any doctor or medicine can. He cares so deeply about you. He didn’t create you wrong. You are broken though the sin that is in this world breaks us and makes us imperfect but the true Beauty is that God will turn your mess into a beautiful masterpiece. He is there with you through it all and He will not turn away from you. He is not frightened by your mess. He embraces you all the more and begs for you to ask for His help. He will send people into your life to help you. Do not push them away. They will inevitable fail you and you can not make them your fulfillment or your deity that will only lead to more pain. understand that imperfect does not mean you are incapable of love. It simply means that God has more empty places to fill. He will work in you to create something new. This does not mean that you will be perfect afterward. But all of your imperfections will ooze Jesus’ love and power. He may not take away the problems but He will use them to help you. He WILL NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE. HE LOVES YOU. HE WANTS TO HELP YOU.

    Like

  4. dude, you’re awesome. Got me a bit in tears. Please be my friend, forever.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Leigh says:

      girl, you know it. #yeeeeyeeeee

      Like

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