I knew it was going to come – I knew right after I realized I was healed.
I knew that there were going to be moments where I had to take a breath and choose joy. To choose not to open the door and fall into the pit of depression again.
I didn’t anticipate it to be hard. I mean, I hated being depressed – I don’t ever want to be that low again. It hurt me in every possible way. Why would I go back?
In the last two weeks I have learned a lot about how I was living.
First, I had allowed depression to define me.
Even if no one knew, I knew. And I was defining myself by the depression. My abilities and worth, who I was and who I could be were based on the depression.
In the last two weeks I’ve had to learn a new way to define myself.
And second, I used it as an excuse.
An excuse not to push out of my comfort zone. An excuse not to try very hard. Granted, both were extremely difficult, but if I had wanted, I could have done it. It was my crutch.
It was a poison I wrongly held on to and used as an excuse when it suited me.
Which makes me think, “What else am I holding on to that’s destroying me?”
I am not used to living life without it. I functioned around the depression, every action was shaped from the depression and what I thought it made me.
Now I have to rewire my motions and thoughts to match my healing.
There are moments when I get frustrated with a moment in life and I naturally react the way I would have before healing. But I can’t continue to do so. I have to break what my human nature naturally wants to do. I have to stop and choose joy.
Healing is pointless if I don’t change the way I’m living.
Now that I am free, I am having to re self-define. Learn how to say, “yes” to scary things. To choose joy instead of try to fall back on the prison I turned into a safety net.
It’d be like being lifted from the pit I’ve fought so hard to get out of, and then jumping right back in because the darkness is more familiar than the sunlight.
There are days where I could lift my arms and spin out of pure joy. But there are also moments where the enemy presents me with a choice.
And the enemy is making it really hard to choose joy; he wants me to fail.
But still, I must choose joy. I have to learn my triggers and out-smart the enemy. Out persist him.
It’s become my motto. Choose joy when the assignment deadline is earlier than I expected. Choose joy when there’s tension in my relationships. Choose joy when my thoughts wander. Choose joy through the questions, through the silence, through the doubts. Choose joy when the anxiety still lingers.
Having to choose joy happened, much harder and earlier than I expected.
Many times it has happened.
And it is going to keep happening.
But, even if it is the harder choice, I must choose joy.