Doubts

Never did I think I would doubt my healing.   And it happened. For the smallest moment, but it still happened.       1:28 a.m.   I was on the bathroom floor trembling from the battle of fighting off an anxiety attack.   It was hour three.   I knew I shouldn’t have had…

In That Moment

“Your praise will ever be on my lips”   And in that moment, I knew.   I flashed back to when I was before the church stage forcing the powerful words out of my lips. Tears streaming, body shaking, forcing my heart to exclaim, “Despite the depression, Lord, I will praise you.”   I thought back…

The Hidden

Written on a bus in Honduras, 10/26/16: I wear my anxiety on my sleeve…  But only to hide the depression. Anyone could ask and I could/would talk about anxiety for hours. I could tell you anything: The times it’s worst. What pills I take. How I cope. How I get others to understand. But I…

To Be Understood

I wish you could understand. I wish I had the words to explain to you what its like. I wish it was a burden only I had to bear.     I wish I could tell you how it’s not just butterflies. Its not just a jittery feeling that eventually goes away. It’s not just…

The Gardner & Healer

Healing. Isn’t that what we all say we want?   I have hit my knees begging God to heal me of depression and anxiety. But only recently have I learned what that actually means. I just want the quick fix – the magical removal of my struggles. I want to pray a prayer and have all anxiety…

My Refuge & Strength

It is my favorite place in all the earth: Ethiopia. It is the place I dream about. I have thousands of pictures, memories, and pieces of my heart scattered around the country. I planned the trip for months and would tell anyone and everyone about it that would listen. I started counting down the minute…

Little Big Victories

This weekend I conquered two of my fears – prom and lunch in a restaurant.   Prom (cause you know – dark room, social anxiety, dancing, knew no one) and a restaurant (can’t really leave whenever you want, dark room once again) were the dreaded events of this weekend. I have been slightly dreading these…

What I Want You To Know About Living With Anxiety

I wrote this post for another blog Rage Against the Minivan.   I want you to know that I hate it. I want you to know that I don’t understand it either. I want you to know that sometimes you make it worse.   When I was a freshman in high school I was diagnosed with…

The Start…

So the thing about me is… I struggle with anxiety. And this isn’t an issue that no one else deals with. It is a horrible reality that many people face and isn’t enough support for. This blog will be a safe place – a vulnerable place. A place where we can know that we are not…