Doubts

Never did I think I would doubt my healing.   And it happened. For the smallest moment, but it still happened.       1:28 a.m.   I was on the bathroom floor trembling from the battle of fighting off an anxiety attack.   It was hour three.   I knew I shouldn’t have had…

To Choose Joy

It happened. I knew it was going to come – I knew right after I realized I was healed.   I knew that there were going to be moments where I had to take a breath and choose joy.  To choose not to open the door and fall into the pit of depression again.  …

In That Moment

“Your praise will ever be on my lips”   And in that moment, I knew.   I flashed back to when I was before the church stage forcing the powerful words out of my lips. Tears streaming, body shaking, forcing my heart to exclaim, “Despite the depression, Lord, I will praise you.”   I thought back…

The Hidden

Written on a bus in Honduras, 10/26/16: I wear my anxiety on my sleeve…  But only to hide the depression. Anyone could ask and I could/would talk about anxiety for hours. I could tell you anything: The times it’s worst. What pills I take. How I cope. How I get others to understand. But I…

To Be Understood

I wish you could understand. I wish I had the words to explain to you what its like. I wish it was a burden only I had to bear.     I wish I could tell you how it’s not just butterflies. Its not just a jittery feeling that eventually goes away. It’s not just…

The Gardner & Healer

Healing. Isn’t that what we all say we want?   I have hit my knees begging God to heal me of depression and anxiety. But only recently have I learned what that actually means. I just want the quick fix – the magical removal of my struggles. I want to pray a prayer and have all anxiety…

how?

How do you not you see it?   I don’t understand. Can’t you see my soul screaming out? Can’t you sense the loneliness eating me alive? Can’t you hear me crying myself to sleep; see my bed shake with my sobs? You were right there.   Why are you blind to my insomnia at night…

My Refuge & Strength

It is my favorite place in all the earth: Ethiopia. It is the place I dream about. I have thousands of pictures, memories, and pieces of my heart scattered around the country. I planned the trip for months and would tell anyone and everyone about it that would listen. I started counting down the minute…

Depression – what?

Last night I had to face the very real and scary possibility that many other people with anxiety have to face. Depression.   It is no longer something I can simply excuse and ignore. Being “blah” every day with no desire to function is no longer something I should accept and be okay with. I…