Bravery

I am learning to be brave.   But not the bravery that is required to jump out of a plane or speak in front of people. Not the kind that is required when applying to a new job or standing up for someone.   Oh how I wish it was that kind of bravery.  …

Doubts

Never did I think I would doubt my healing.   And it happened. For the smallest moment, but it still happened.       1:28 a.m.   I was on the bathroom floor trembling from the battle of fighting off an anxiety attack.   It was hour three.   I knew I shouldn’t have had…

To Choose Joy

It happened. I knew it was going to come – I knew right after I realized I was healed.   I knew that there were going to be moments where I had to take a breath and choose joy.  To choose not to open the door and fall into the pit of depression again.  …

In That Moment

“Your praise will ever be on my lips”   And in that moment, I knew.   I flashed back to when I was before the church stage forcing the powerful words out of my lips. Tears streaming, body shaking, forcing my heart to exclaim, “Despite the depression, Lord, I will praise you.”   I thought back…

To Be Understood

I wish you could understand. I wish I had the words to explain to you what its like. I wish it was a burden only I had to bear.     I wish I could tell you how it’s not just butterflies. Its not just a jittery feeling that eventually goes away. It’s not just…

The Gardner & Healer

Healing. Isn’t that what we all say we want?   I have hit my knees begging God to heal me of depression and anxiety. But only recently have I learned what that actually means. I just want the quick fix – the magical removal of my struggles. I want to pray a prayer and have all anxiety…

Heaven’s Perspective

Lord,   Sometimes I feel like the Israelites.   Calling out in the middle of the desert tormented by the evil that has claimed ownership over me.   Wondering if you hear me, if you hear my plight.   Do you see my tears, my sweat, my hurt?   I cry out in agony day…

Here I Am

The other night I woke up to the sound of my name. Spoken as clear as day in the dead of night. I rolled over, checked the time, went through a checklist in my head of what I thought it could be (none of which it was), then fell back asleep. It wasn’t my sister, parents,…

My Refuge & Strength

It is my favorite place in all the earth: Ethiopia. It is the place I dream about. I have thousands of pictures, memories, and pieces of my heart scattered around the country. I planned the trip for months and would tell anyone and everyone about it that would listen. I started counting down the minute…

Little Big Victories

This weekend I conquered two of my fears – prom and lunch in a restaurant.   Prom (cause you know – dark room, social anxiety, dancing, knew no one) and a restaurant (can’t really leave whenever you want, dark room once again) were the dreaded events of this weekend. I have been slightly dreading these…

Seen

“I’ve been really worried about you. You don’t seem to be as happy as you were last semester. Is everything okay?” “Yea, I’m okay, it has just been a really hard semester.” “Oh, I’m so sorry.” “It’s okay. It has grown me a lot too – with pain comes growth I guess.” “Yea, that’s usually…

Called To Be CONFIDENT

I wrote this for another blog started by a friend of mine. It was something God revealed to me while I was doing devotions one night.   If there is one thing I’m good at, its comparison. And as a result, I’m really good at asking God “why?” “Why did you have to make me…